Who am I? (in the Zoolander voice)

I'm sitting here trying my best not to be depressed about what's to come.  I'm on the cusp of my 10-year high school reunion, my hair is graying, I'm about to be the head of a household of four, and my age is toying with 30.  I'm like a 13 year old girl when it comes to self-image.  Seriously... just ask my wife.  I stress about every pound gained or lost, I am constantly running or working out, I'll starve myself throughout the day, there are always parts of me that "need work", and I am ALWAYS wondering if I "still got it".  It's pathetic!  And sadly, it's also a very real struggle.

My identity and self-worth are so incredibly wrapped up in how well others perceive I am doing physically, professionally, and financially in life.  I'm not sure why I starve for other people's approval of me.  I know that my need for it is a lie.  I know that my success in these areas doesn't necessarily change how people view me or love me... yet I am consistently driven to prove myself.  I wonder how I get so easily entangled in this trap when the truth is ever before me.  It's not like I don't know the right answer.  It's not like I haven't had the Gospel engrained in me.  I guess I just find it easier to accept that I have to work in order to be worth something.  I have to exercise to be fit to be loved by the beautiful.  I have to spend extravagantly to have TVs to be appraised by the wealthy.  I have to be clever and groomed to be approved by the intellectuals.  I have to be loose-tongued and belligerent to be respected by the heathens.  And I have to be well-spoken and pure to be accepted by the spiritual.

It's all too much to handle, yet I find it easier because it is cause and effect.  I recently explained to my wife how my brain functions.  I am a very logically minded person that has a really hard time accepting or comprehending things that don't logically pan out.  If we agree on X being accomplished in X amount of time and I fulfill those requirements, I will always struggle with the fact that I still did something wrong along the way (and still end up in the doghouse).  So it's the same with this approval struggle that I have.  I will always naturally have a leaning towards being able to work towards something that I know will have a logical outcome (hopefully approval) and that work has to come from me.  I will always struggle with the TRUTH that in all reality my identity and worth is that I am DECLARED righteous by God regardless of my actions.  I am always seen as clothed in Christ's righteousness and out of that freedom I should live!  I am so thankful and unworthy of this kind of approval and acceptance, and I need to realize that anything I do to seek acceptance outside of this truth is not only laughable but prideful and destructive.

So Who am I?  I am what God declares that I am, not what my flesh wants me to think that I am.

Fleshoholics Anonymous

About seven years ago (verbalizing this makes me feel so old) a man introduced himself to me as John.  John has been one of my greatest friends over the years, not only because he invited me into his life, but also because he introduced a new relational lifestyle that would change me forever.  I joined up with John and a few other men to form up what we called "guys group".  This group was not your typical Bible study, small group, or even accountability group.... it was so much more than that.  We wanted to be different in the sense that we wanted to pour so much of ourselves into each other that our lives would be changed.  Yes, it took some time for us to get there, but through intentionality, vulnerability, good counsel, love, and friction... we got there!  I saw marriages being mended, I saw lies exposed and reconciled, I saw immense vulnerability with hidden sin, and I experienced tremendous grace and acceptance for who I was.  It was the first time in my life where I felt like I could leave all my crap on the table for everyone to see and still walk away feeling loved.

When I was called away from Lynchburg, my heart was ripped in two.  I knew it was right for me to move on, but the ache of losing such a group of men in my life will forever leave a gap in my being.  My perspective on life and relationships will forever be changed because of how God used those men in my life.  Would I ever find that again?  Does it exist?  Can it work?

Fast forward to today...
Last night I met with the group of guys that I now meet with weekly.  We started this new guys group a couple of years ago with the same desire, need, and desperation that the original group desired.  I am realizing more and more, that men need vulnerable relationships with other men... period.  I know that as men, we are so wired to be individualistic, independent, and strong that this notion seems so counter-intuitive.  It's really hard.  Trust me... I still struggle with it.  I just want to express my complete gratitude that God has blessed me with such men once again.  As we talked through various issues each of us were going through last night, I was just amazed that I was allowed to be a part of it.... especially knowing that some will never experience it.  Nate Larkin wrote a book called "Samson and the Pirate Monks" dealing with our need for such relationships and one thing that he said in the book will always stick with me.  He said, "we are called to have a personal relationship with Christ, not a private one."  He is spot on!  Until we experience the raw vulnerability of our hearts being exposed, we will never be able to fully grasp how far Christ went to save us and how much he has forgiven us.  Experiencing this kind of forgiveness is so incredibly freeing!  It frees us from the bondage of self-righteous living and ultimately helps us love ALL others well... because no one could be worse than us. 

I'm sure some may be struggling with the thought that their spouses should be the one that they go to for everything... not just a bunch of dudes.  I would say you are absolutely right for the most part.  If you are married, your wife should definitely be your most intimate confidant and companion in life.  I am not downplaying that at all.  That being said, your wife can only be what she is.  Meaning that she was made intentionally different from you; complete with a different perspective, different emotional makeup, different struggles, different outlook on life, etc... and can speak much wisdom into your life because of that.  She can be your calm when you struggle with anger, she can be your reasoning when you are irrational, she can be your encourager when you are depressed, she can be your fighter when you feel defeated, she can be your lover when you feel alone, and so on.  What an amazing gift they are.  BUT they can't always relate to your struggles the same way that men can, because men are wired similarly and often wrestle with sin similarly. 

So, ya, I'm secretly dubbing "guys group" as fleshoholics anonymous because I think that's what we all are.... people addicted and constantly running back to our flesh.  God made us relational beings and created us for Himself, of course, but also for each other. 

I'm losing control of my life

It's true.  

I think this has be my hardest year of marriage so far.  I don't know if it's possible for me to have a mid-life crisis yet, but that's the best comparison I can think of.  I'm not sure my wife would say the same, but I know it's true for me.  I have a 15 month old son and another boy en route, and as excited as I am about my growing family, I can almost physically feel my personal fortress collapsing.  As a result, I have been exerting every bit of extra energy clinging to the diminishing and ever illusive thing called freedom.  What does that mean?  Well, from the outside it can look like many things: guy nights, disc golf, basketball, video games, idle TV, iPhone, etc.  Not bad things, obviously, but for me they are often used more than for veg time... they are an escape.  


As I sit here and really struggle through what's going on in my heart, it scares me.  I don't want to admit this!  I don't want anyone else to see my secrets!  But then how will I change?  How will I ever escape the bondage of false freedom?  I guess i have to dig deeper... what am I escaping?  Surface-levely (i made that up i think) I would say that I am escaping obligation, responsibility, communion with my wife and family, chores, and so on.  I think what I'm truly running from, however, is the reality that my universe does not exist, and I am clinging to the little pockets of time where I can temporarily recreate my world and be satisfied.  What a mess!  Am I really this dark when it comes to something as simple as disc golf?  Am I thinking too deeply about all of this?  I wish that were the case!  Unfortunately, I am actually worse than I even think I am... so this doesn't get any prettier.  I hate this about myself.  I hate that I can't step back and hit myself over the head with the "PERSPECTIVE" 2 x 4.  I hate that I can't look at my family and bask in God's goodness instead of seeing them as restrictive forces in my life.  I hate that instead of regularly running to the cross to help me through this, I simply seek another moment to escape.  I'm spiraling into an cyclical abyss of enticing distraction and the only thing waiting for me at the end is emptiness.  I'm losing control. 


So here comes the hard part... believing truth.  Someone once said "Nothing worth it is ever easy".  Well that's encouraging... right?  My pastor preached on the woman at the well a couple of weeks ago.  I've heard that passage so many times and remember that story from when I was really little.  When I was a kid I clung to the supernatural aspect of the story.  Wow!  Jesus could read her mind and knows everything about her!  As I grew older and continued to hear that story, I began to understand and embrace the salvation part of the message.  Jesus is offering this Samaritan sinner eternal life.  That was a big deal!  The Gospel is for everyone!  These two truths are always going to be a valuable part that of that passage to me, but I am now realizing that there is so much more to the story.  Jesus is offering this woman a permanent replacement for all her thirsts in life.  Jesus is forgiving her for running to men to satisfy herself... and then to top it off says "take me instead, you won't regret it".  As I listened anew to this story, it was like God looked directly into my soul and told me to quit festering in the hell of a kingdom I'm creating for myself and taste something real.  And now I'm wrestling with it, because just saying something out loud does not make it so. 

So yes, I'm losing control of my life.  And thank God.

"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again'..."   John 4:13-14a

Here we go...

Yep. I'm here and this is real. A couple of "up-fronts" about the whole blogging thing...

1. I'm not really starting this for other people. I'm not here to try to impress anyone with my phenom writing skills or my clever way of expressing myself. In fact, I hope you never find me.

2. I am using this as an avenue of processing my thoughts, struggles, ideas, etc, as I venture forth in this thing called life. I think I am in that stage in life where memory is not as commonplace as it used to be. Also, I think being able to have a place to go where I can vomit words instead of repress them could be therapeutic for me. I hear it's healthy to have a way to vent constructively. So, I am using this to record the fact that I actually have thoughts and this here's the proof!

3. I am doing this as a blog because apparently I communicate much better "on paper" than I do verbally. Shocking I know. I'm not in any way claiming to be a good writer... I am merely admitting to being a terrible verbal communicator.

4. Why "Wrastling"? I don't know really... Possibly because that's the only word I could come up with that describes my every day. I wrestle with sin, I wrestle with being a good husband, I wrestle with being a good dad, I wrestle with doubt, I wrestle through friendships... and on and on. It's every day. I am just thankful I am free to wrestle... I may come away with a limp for the rest of my life, but at least I know that the one who gave me that limp is also the one who loves me more than I could ever imagine. And I'm from the south.

5. Don't come here looking for a way to get offended. I'm not going to screen my thoughts (maybe a bit) because this is more for me than anyone else. If I let a cuss word slip, if I say something that pisses you off, if I say something inappropriate (to you), or say anything else you don't like... feel free to not ever read my blog again. This is your unconditional unsubscribe invitation. That being said, I am not going to intentionally be abrasive or insensitive either. I am simply going to speak what's on my heart and mind.

And it begins: