I'm sitting here trying my best not to be depressed about what's to come. I'm on the cusp of my 10-year high school reunion, my hair is graying, I'm about to be the head of a household of four, and my age is toying with 30. I'm like a 13 year old girl when it comes to self-image. Seriously... just ask my wife. I stress about every pound gained or lost, I am constantly running or working out, I'll starve myself throughout the day, there are always parts of me that "need work", and I am ALWAYS wondering if I "still got it". It's pathetic! And sadly, it's also a very real struggle.
My identity and self-worth are so incredibly wrapped up in how well others perceive I am doing physically, professionally, and financially in life. I'm not sure why I starve for other people's approval of me. I know that my need for it is a lie. I know that my success in these areas doesn't necessarily change how people view me or love me... yet I am consistently driven to prove myself. I wonder how I get so easily entangled in this trap when the truth is ever before me. It's not like I don't know the right answer. It's not like I haven't had the Gospel engrained in me. I guess I just find it easier to accept that I have to work in order to be worth something. I have to exercise to be fit to be loved by the beautiful. I have to spend extravagantly to have TVs to be appraised by the wealthy. I have to be clever and groomed to be approved by the intellectuals. I have to be loose-tongued and belligerent to be respected by the heathens. And I have to be well-spoken and pure to be accepted by the spiritual.
It's all too much to handle, yet I find it easier because it is cause and effect. I recently explained to my wife how my brain functions. I am a very logically minded person that has a really hard time accepting or comprehending things that don't logically pan out. If we agree on X being accomplished in X amount of time and I fulfill those requirements, I will always struggle with the fact that I still did something wrong along the way (and still end up in the doghouse). So it's the same with this approval struggle that I have. I will always naturally have a leaning towards being able to work towards something that I know will have a logical outcome (hopefully approval) and that work has to come from me. I will always struggle with the TRUTH that in all reality my identity and worth is that I am DECLARED righteous by God regardless of my actions. I am always seen as clothed in Christ's righteousness and out of that freedom I should live! I am so thankful and unworthy of this kind of approval and acceptance, and I need to realize that anything I do to seek acceptance outside of this truth is not only laughable but prideful and destructive.
So Who am I? I am what God declares that I am, not what my flesh wants me to think that I am.
My identity and self-worth are so incredibly wrapped up in how well others perceive I am doing physically, professionally, and financially in life. I'm not sure why I starve for other people's approval of me. I know that my need for it is a lie. I know that my success in these areas doesn't necessarily change how people view me or love me... yet I am consistently driven to prove myself. I wonder how I get so easily entangled in this trap when the truth is ever before me. It's not like I don't know the right answer. It's not like I haven't had the Gospel engrained in me. I guess I just find it easier to accept that I have to work in order to be worth something. I have to exercise to be fit to be loved by the beautiful. I have to spend extravagantly to have TVs to be appraised by the wealthy. I have to be clever and groomed to be approved by the intellectuals. I have to be loose-tongued and belligerent to be respected by the heathens. And I have to be well-spoken and pure to be accepted by the spiritual.
It's all too much to handle, yet I find it easier because it is cause and effect. I recently explained to my wife how my brain functions. I am a very logically minded person that has a really hard time accepting or comprehending things that don't logically pan out. If we agree on X being accomplished in X amount of time and I fulfill those requirements, I will always struggle with the fact that I still did something wrong along the way (and still end up in the doghouse). So it's the same with this approval struggle that I have. I will always naturally have a leaning towards being able to work towards something that I know will have a logical outcome (hopefully approval) and that work has to come from me. I will always struggle with the TRUTH that in all reality my identity and worth is that I am DECLARED righteous by God regardless of my actions. I am always seen as clothed in Christ's righteousness and out of that freedom I should live! I am so thankful and unworthy of this kind of approval and acceptance, and I need to realize that anything I do to seek acceptance outside of this truth is not only laughable but prideful and destructive.
So Who am I? I am what God declares that I am, not what my flesh wants me to think that I am.
OMG-you nailed my heart!!! Awesome writer you. Awesome haircut you. Awesome shirt you. Awesome you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with mom. :)
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