It's true.
I think this has be my hardest year of marriage so far. I don't know if it's possible for me to have a mid-life crisis yet, but that's the best comparison I can think of. I'm not sure my wife would say the same, but I know it's true for me. I have a 15 month old son and another boy en route, and as excited as I am about my growing family, I can almost physically feel my personal fortress collapsing. As a result, I have been exerting every bit of extra energy clinging to the diminishing and ever illusive thing called freedom. What does that mean? Well, from the outside it can look like many things: guy nights, disc golf, basketball, video games, idle TV, iPhone, etc. Not bad things, obviously, but for me they are often used more than for veg time... they are an escape.
As I sit here and really struggle through what's going on in my heart, it scares me. I don't want to admit this! I don't want anyone else to see my secrets! But then how will I change? How will I ever escape the bondage of false freedom? I guess i have to dig deeper... what am I escaping? Surface-levely (i made that up i think) I would say that I am escaping obligation, responsibility, communion with my wife and family, chores, and so on. I think what I'm truly running from, however, is the reality that my universe does not exist, and I am clinging to the little pockets of time where I can temporarily recreate my world and be satisfied. What a mess! Am I really this dark when it comes to something as simple as disc golf? Am I thinking too deeply about all of this? I wish that were the case! Unfortunately, I am actually worse than I even think I am... so this doesn't get any prettier. I hate this about myself. I hate that I can't step back and hit myself over the head with the "PERSPECTIVE" 2 x 4. I hate that I can't look at my family and bask in God's goodness instead of seeing them as restrictive forces in my life. I hate that instead of regularly running to the cross to help me through this, I simply seek another moment to escape. I'm spiraling into an cyclical abyss of enticing distraction and the only thing waiting for me at the end is emptiness. I'm losing control.
So here comes the hard part... believing truth. Someone once said "Nothing worth it is ever easy". Well that's encouraging... right? My pastor preached on the woman at the well a couple of weeks ago. I've heard that passage so many times and remember that story from when I was really little. When I was a kid I clung to the supernatural aspect of the story. Wow! Jesus could read her mind and knows everything about her! As I grew older and continued to hear that story, I began to understand and embrace the salvation part of the message. Jesus is offering this Samaritan sinner eternal life. That was a big deal! The Gospel is for everyone! These two truths are always going to be a valuable part that of that passage to me, but I am now realizing that there is so much more to the story. Jesus is offering this woman a permanent replacement for all her thirsts in life. Jesus is forgiving her for running to men to satisfy herself... and then to top it off says "take me instead, you won't regret it". As I listened anew to this story, it was like God looked directly into my soul and told me to quit festering in the hell of a kingdom I'm creating for myself and taste something real. And now I'm wrestling with it, because just saying something out loud does not make it so.
So yes, I'm losing control of my life. And thank God.
"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again'..." John 4:13-14a
I think this has be my hardest year of marriage so far. I don't know if it's possible for me to have a mid-life crisis yet, but that's the best comparison I can think of. I'm not sure my wife would say the same, but I know it's true for me. I have a 15 month old son and another boy en route, and as excited as I am about my growing family, I can almost physically feel my personal fortress collapsing. As a result, I have been exerting every bit of extra energy clinging to the diminishing and ever illusive thing called freedom. What does that mean? Well, from the outside it can look like many things: guy nights, disc golf, basketball, video games, idle TV, iPhone, etc. Not bad things, obviously, but for me they are often used more than for veg time... they are an escape.
As I sit here and really struggle through what's going on in my heart, it scares me. I don't want to admit this! I don't want anyone else to see my secrets! But then how will I change? How will I ever escape the bondage of false freedom? I guess i have to dig deeper... what am I escaping? Surface-levely (i made that up i think) I would say that I am escaping obligation, responsibility, communion with my wife and family, chores, and so on. I think what I'm truly running from, however, is the reality that my universe does not exist, and I am clinging to the little pockets of time where I can temporarily recreate my world and be satisfied. What a mess! Am I really this dark when it comes to something as simple as disc golf? Am I thinking too deeply about all of this? I wish that were the case! Unfortunately, I am actually worse than I even think I am... so this doesn't get any prettier. I hate this about myself. I hate that I can't step back and hit myself over the head with the "PERSPECTIVE" 2 x 4. I hate that I can't look at my family and bask in God's goodness instead of seeing them as restrictive forces in my life. I hate that instead of regularly running to the cross to help me through this, I simply seek another moment to escape. I'm spiraling into an cyclical abyss of enticing distraction and the only thing waiting for me at the end is emptiness. I'm losing control.
So here comes the hard part... believing truth. Someone once said "Nothing worth it is ever easy". Well that's encouraging... right? My pastor preached on the woman at the well a couple of weeks ago. I've heard that passage so many times and remember that story from when I was really little. When I was a kid I clung to the supernatural aspect of the story. Wow! Jesus could read her mind and knows everything about her! As I grew older and continued to hear that story, I began to understand and embrace the salvation part of the message. Jesus is offering this Samaritan sinner eternal life. That was a big deal! The Gospel is for everyone! These two truths are always going to be a valuable part that of that passage to me, but I am now realizing that there is so much more to the story. Jesus is offering this woman a permanent replacement for all her thirsts in life. Jesus is forgiving her for running to men to satisfy herself... and then to top it off says "take me instead, you won't regret it". As I listened anew to this story, it was like God looked directly into my soul and told me to quit festering in the hell of a kingdom I'm creating for myself and taste something real. And now I'm wrestling with it, because just saying something out loud does not make it so.
So yes, I'm losing control of my life. And thank God.
I love you. And I want to drink from that well of salvation with you...I don't ever want to be thirsty again! I know that this has been more difficult than we ever thought possible, but I don't want to go to battle with anyone but you.
ReplyDeleteThat is awesome as well and your pastor must rock the world and be the most humble guy ever! Lucky! But the parents of your wife, must have really messed up! Seriously...really good stuff and perspective into the heart of a married man getting his freedom stripped away by marriage, and children. The process never ends! Freedom that has us at the center is a myth, a lie! Thank you for your vulnerability, yet gospel security! Keep writing!
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